His laugh that sounds in the coffee shop is infectious. Not to mention the sporadic hand gestures, this somehow is just as much a part of the conversation as the words. The eyes from across the table are filled with wisdom, kindness and a longing for something more.
Duff Norris blends in. Drinking coffee and taking the occasional smoke break, he doesn’t stick out in a crowd in his brown hoodie and short-cropped hair. But after a while, he stands out. He is loud, uses a surplus of expletives and tells jokes that crack even himself up. Although he describes himself as a closet extrovert, he is someone who you instantly want to be friends with.
Photo by Garrett Mynatt
“It is impossible not to know when he is in a room,” says Andy Stoll, the executive director for the LAMBDA Community Center in Fort Collins and Duff’s best friend. “The positive energy he provides to each space he is in is contagious.”
However, behind the smiles and chuckles, Duff has been through challenges in love and acceptance that have brought him to this point in his life. At 25 years old, Duff has made a decision to change his life, and transition from the female he was born as to the masculine person he wants to be.
As a student studying communications at Front Range Community College and an involved advocate for LAMBDA, Duff has embraced his transgender status, and is breaking apart the alphabet of gender classifications.
“I’d find the category I knew I could fit into”
Since a young age, Duff did not feel he fit in. As a kid, boys were allowed to run around with their shirts off while Duff’s mother told him to keep his on. When his brothers were growing facial hair and muscles, Duff got breasts. Even though he loves glitter, makeup and dressing up, Duff never felt he fit into the socially accepted gender boxes of just female or just male.
“I fall into the gender queer category – I never grew up with a sense of gender,” he says. “I never was ‘I am woman’ or ‘I am man.’ Gender always equated to me as your physical body – I have these parts, you have these parts, thus we are different. I wanted to be able to run around with the boys and wrestle and play football … and you do that with your shirt off.”
Those awkward teenage years were even more awkward for Duff. For his junior prom, he wore a periwinkle beaded dress with dyed-to-match strappy heels, and just a year later, went to another formal dance in slacks, a purple shirt and tie, and a top hat.
Both times, Duff and his brother Chris had a great time swing dancing. The first time they were a cute brother/sister couple; the second, they were the whisper-assumed gay couple. That was just a part of trying to find his gender identity, Duff explains.
“There came a point where I knew I wanted to date girls and not boys,” he says. “I wanted to wear combat boots every day to school, and my dad told me I had to keep my long hair… but I wanted a Mohawk. Then there were the things that caught my eye – there was a point in time where very clearly it took off that I wanted to model myself after dudes I knew.”
For Duff, the search to find his identity meant rebelling against more conservative parents, and at other times, suppressing his wants for the “boy things.” As Duff describes it, there were some obvious red flags for his parents that he was not going to be the classic “Republican wife,” but there was a balance of the masculine and feminine. Duff played football and wrestled, but he also went through cotillion and can waltz and fox trot, but “cannot lead for the life of me.” Yet for the first 18 years of his life, he just “fit.”
“Some of those classic boy things that happen [during puberty], I had that feeling of jealousy,” Duff remembers. “I’ve been wearing men’s boxers and boxer briefs since I was 12, but I want to see muscles and facial hair in the mirror.”
“I don’t want to be a woman, but I want to be pretty”
Only recently has Duff started to create a more concrete definition of his transgender status along with what gender identity and roles mean to him. There are four areas to gender: biological sex, gender identity, gender roles and gender expression.
Biological sex is the sex assigned at birth, and as Duff puts it, “They go ‘girl’ or ‘boy.’ And every once in awhile you get, ‘uh oh, ambiguous.’” In contrast, gender identity is what an individual identifies as, a gender role is what someone plays in society, and gender expression is how someone physically presents him or herself. A key point Duff makes is that gender is more like a continuum, with female on one end and male on the other – and a whole range in between.
“Those are all different things, and they can all get really messy,” he says. “Every person has them, and it’s a personal, natural thing, no matter what anyone says.”
Duff describes himself as assigned female, identifies as male-ish and very female in most of the ways he goes about things, and presents himself as more masculine to society. But as Duff starts to transition, he is struggling with gender expression, because when it comes down to it, he feels he is expected to be butch or masculine and not like the “pretty things.”
“I like glitter and makeup. It is a totally guilty pleasure. And I am insanely sentimental,” he says. “It was always like, ‘how does that fit with transitioning and becoming a dude?’ And it dawned on me like six months ago that it doesn’t have any say in my gender.”
Photo by Garrett Mynatt
Duff has completed his psychological evaluation to proceed in transitioning, which culminates in a letter that says he is not mentally ill. Apart from legally changing his name, the first step is taking testosterone, which will help grow facial hair and deepen his voice, but Duff is leery about the emotional rearrangement due to the testosterone.
Duff says he has “always liked the way I am on the inside, just not on the outside,” and if he is on an emotional roller coaster, he will stop the hormones. Leslie Groves, one of Duff’s friends, says that even though Duff is going through a challenging time, he is always positive and has a great view on life.
“He is so strong with what he is going through in figuring all of this stuff out,” says Groves, the marketing intern with LAMBDA and a senior journalism and technical communications major at CSU. “He is an amazing guy to be around who is trustworthy, dependable and who has this unique ability to make people feel good about themselves.”
Although he is social, Duff faces a dilemma in finding a job, because when answering honestly, Duff feels, “My transgender status is none of your f******* business.” But when his legal documents still say female and hasn’t been able to have chest surgery due to financial difficulties, he is not able to advance his situation.
“I don’t have to reveal my trans-status to anyone I don’t want to, but I can’t be stealth. I am not in the category of ‘let’s just hide and blend,’” he explains. “On average, transfolks aren’t as well promoted and do not make as much money. [They] don’t get certain jobs, and I’m in that exact boat right now of ‘where do I go wanting to be seen as a male and still having a chest [combined with what it says on my legal documents].’”
According to Stoll, 33, the difficulty that surrounds the trans-community stems from the “reality of the binary world we live in,” and that society can then turn fearful and violent.
“There was a law passed that made it illegal to discriminate on the orientation of sexuality and gender identity,” Stoll explains. “But there is still the reality of people’s lives, and you don’t know who you are going to meet in the restroom. In this society, if you eliminate the fear and enable them to see the humanity of someone, it is hard to then be violent to them.”
Duff’s long term plans are to continue working with LAMBDA, where he is the current vice president on their board, and to work with at-risk youth, which can be rocky for him down the road depending on how accepting parents and society are of him.
“I want to work with [at risk- youth] kids … and I have something to offer the general public children and not just queer children,” he says. “I shouldn’t have to just stick to queer organizations to feel safe in my job, and sometimes that feels like a requirement.”
Groves, 22, says she believes that people are different and everyone has a different perspective on other people, but when “you narrow it down, people have to have an understanding that human beings are in a constant state of change and you have to be open to that. Not being open is what causes this friction.”
“My dating preferences changed as I changed”
One area where Duff has learned not to make sacrifices is with dating and relationships. Although he acknowledges he liked women, Duff still tried dating men because it became a “stress response” to avoid questions. Instead of finding what really fit, Duff tried to sleep with men who fit into the masculine category that he was actually seeking for himself.
“I had an amazing way of not fully recognizing [what I wanted] for what it was. I was very good at trying to change my sexuality,” he says. “But there were a lot of things that I was attracted to that I thought I wanted in a man, but it took me a long time to realize that is what I wanted personally. And I tried to sleep with men who fit into that category and it is really not OK, it feels really wrong.”
In these instances, once the clothes came off, Duff felt he was expected to play a feminine role, which meant being submissive and eager to please, and if he wanted to take charge, it meant playing the vixen.
“That is probably the most alienated from my personhood I have ever felt,” he says. “It was funny because the first dude I slept with I lost my virginity too, and it was funny because both [of the men I have slept with] probably knew they were sleeping with a lesbian. I thought, ‘This is so wrong and not right.’”
Finally, around 19, Duff had an intimate relationship with a woman and, “I got to be a lot of those things that I found attractive in men and I got to do a lot of those things for a woman that I always assumed I wanted from a man, and all the pieces finally clicked,” he says.
Since then, Duff has been in several relationships with women he calls vastly different from one another, and it has been a process to discern his identity when coupled in a relationship. Just over a year and a half ago, Duff ended a long-term relationship with someone who he considered his wife, and the fact that he was searching for his “queer community” has helped him continue to discern who he is interested in, even though it leads to a lot of questions.
“How do I date girls? Do I date lesbians, because I am really not in that category anymore, or do I date straight women, because not many are really OK with the trans stuff?” he says. “And if I want to date men, how does that work? Do I date gay men?”
Although Duff was not as attracted to men in the past, his feelings have changed as he has transitioned more. But his dilemma only gets more complicated.
“I’m going to become a man so that I can date men, and then become a drag queen and dress as a woman?” he wonders. “It is funny because the thought of having sex with a man as a woman is blah, but having sex with a man as a gay man, yeah, I so totally [can go for that]. It doesn’t put me in an uncomfortable gender box.”
Duff is currently dating another transman, which is an entirely different experience for them both. The best part is Duff has “never had a relationship before this where somebody wants to sleep with me because of who I was, not because it kept the relationship equitable.”
Photo by Garrett Mynatt
“I’ve always had some difficulty communicating what I want, especially around sex. When somebody just really wants to sleep with you because you are hot in their mind, talking about sex is a lot easier,” he says. “I don’t see feminine anymore [with my current boyfriend]. I am dating someone who is masculine, and that is new for me because I don’t have to be in that feminine box. It is sex and it is intimacy, there is so much more freedom for me to just be who I am.”
In the long run, Duff hopes that physical body changes will help the transition process and the feelings that are produced in a relationship. Chest surgery will definitely be in Duff’s future, but he does not feel he should have to transition into a passable male.
Currently, the lower body surgeries available for transmen are limited. There are two main options, one, where after the intake of testosterone, the clitoris is enlarged, the urethra is rerouted and prosthetic testis can be put in. But according to Duff, “You look like an underdeveloped infant.”
“Basically your No. 1 sexual organ is covered up by this piece of skin,” Duff explains, and adds he has never been really interested in lower surgery, partially because “I have walked around for 25 years without something between my legs and I think that might freak me out a little bit.”
The other option typically leaves the person sexual dysfunctional. After the first process is done, a full phallus is made with skin graphs and placed over the enlarged clitoris. Although a person is more passable, there is still a lot of scar tissue and the penis always stays mostly flaccid, thus the person cannot typically have intercourse. And with both surgeries, a full hysterectomy can be performed.
“Plus, I am not sure I ever want to be that passable because I am really not comfortable in other people assuming I am something other than a trans-man,” he adds. “I am not a man. That is not my story. That is not the way I was socialized. That completely negates everything I have gone through and fight for. I will never be totally comfortable with ‘I am a hetero-man’ or ‘I am a gay man.’”
Stoll agrees that one of the unique things about Duff is that he is not hyper-masculine or hyper-feminine, and that is completely contrary of what trans-folk are.
“Duff owns what he is,” Stoll says. “Duff is going to be one of those people who naturally will have an impact on other people and change their lives.”
“It is just a basic human right”
Aside from his career plans, Duff’s biggest change he wants to someday impart on society is helping transpeople feel nurtured and have accessibility to the most basic needs people have: going to the bathroom.
“As a transperson you end up talking about restrooms way too much. I am in public a lot and restroom usage at any public place is uncomfortable at best,” he says. “We treat our prisoners better than we treat transfolk. Prisoners have their own restrooms in their cells. Not that they are always separated, but they have basic access to restrooms that are safe. Transfolk don’t. They don’t have a place that is safe or that doesn’t out them.”
Although Duff does not feel massive amounts of money should be spent to accommodate one student, options of non-gendered bathrooms should be available. And ultimately, it comes down to safety. Duff does not feel safe using the men’s restroom since he is in the early transition phase, but “it is exhausting to everyday get chased out of the women’s restroom.”
For the most part, Duff feels “safe a majority of time in the fact that I am probably not going to die today and I am probably not going to get beaten up, but there always is that outside chance.” Thus he has memorized where all of the 7-11 gas stations are and a majority of the single-occupancy bathrooms in the areas where he hangs out.
“Ninety percent of the time you are OK, but that other 10 percent of the time is kind of questionable and that scares the crap out of me,” he says, and remembers the time when he used a men’s restroom and was left in there scared because another man had turned the lights off after saying something offensive to Duff. Although nothing bad happened, the fear of something as simple as using the bathroom still exists.
“Whether you agree with my choices or whatever your opinion is, I don’t get to tell you that you don’t get to use the restroom in peace. It is a basic human need that is a basic thing that everybody should have access to without being harassed,” Duff says. Whether you are the conservative at the liberal conference, we don’t give you shit in the bathroom. It is a basic service I wish everyone could be educated about.”
A goal Duff has is to create an alliance sticker or identifier that businesses will post to let transgender people know it is a safe place to “pee in peace,” and then that allows anybody, gay community or not, to support those businesses that have that.
“You know people don’t walk into the restroom with a card that says I am liberal and I believe in trans-issues or I am pretty sane and safe,” he adds. “And I never know who I am going to get in that situation.”
Whether it is employment or safety, Duff feels a more education in the community would go a long way. Basically, he says, we are all human beings, and “I am not asking for your approval, I am asking for your support.
“I deserve an OK paying job even if I am a [transgender] person, and I deserve to eat and have housing,” he adds.
As for acceptance in the Fort Collins community, Duff feels that the area is better than most, especially since it is sandwiched between areas where hate crimes have occurred. Both LAMBDA and the Colorado Progressive Coalition have been working on a census to help track members in the GLBT community and help get more identifiers on current forms because “transgender folks get colds and break arms, but if you don’t keep statistics on people you cant identify problems,” Duff says.
Although there are still hurdles to overcome, Duff is ready to face them head on and make changes not only in the community with the acceptance of trans-people, but also for himself.
“I want to continue to explore everything about life. I think that experience is just amazing. I know there are some things that are uncomfortable to me and I want to get comfortable with them, such as my peer group and friends being more comfortable with me being more feminine,” he says. “I want to have facial hair and I want to be able to put glitter in it. I want to make that transition of hormones and surgery but also be more comfortable.
“I guess I want to change some things about my body and my expression, so there is still more work to be done. And I think every person goes through that throughout their life. Life happens, and a [trans-person’s] experience isn’t all that different in a lot of ways. We are not the freak shows that everyone thinks. I think it will be a huge adjustment for a lot of people I know to see me in a dress. And I am just me.”
Tags: Volume 5 Issue 2
