Photo Illustration by Stephanie Scott
In almost every avenue of our lives, we have choices to make that are both meaningful and trivial. At Colorado State University, students are facing small decisions, like what shirt to wear with which shoes, or big decisions, like whether or not to have sex.
Faith Robison, a senior biology major, is deciding to remain abstinent until she meets someone she is truly in love with.
“[As a freshman], I believed in no sex until marriage,” Robison said. “I had a strong Christian background, and I hadn’t even had my first kiss. Now, if I’m in love with someone, I see it as OK, but it’s a huge commitment to be intimate with someone. [If you’re] going that far, there needs to be more than just physical attraction involved.”
Robison said that exposure to a college atmosphere has gradually altered her Christian values, so even though she remains abstinent, she has a looser interpretation than those who want to save sex for marriage.
“My religion does not force me not to have sex, but it has an influence,” Robison said. “I want having sex to be special.”
According to John W. Burt, a licensed psychologist in Fort Collins who specializes in sexuality, college students have more sexual partners within one year than any other demographic.
“It’s often a period of experimentation,” Burt said. “You’re adults making your own choices, but there’s a threshold that’s passed in a relationship when a couple starts to have sex.”
He added that sex is revered as a way to procreate, improve relationships and experience pleasure; yet, in many more traditional cultures, a sexual relationship is exclusively reserved for the context of marriage.
“Sex is a holy act between a man and a woman and is for marriage,” said Yerachmiel Gorelik, the co-director and adviser to the Chabad Jewish Student Organization at CSU. “In casual encounters, you lose the sanctity. A sexual relationship is a beautiful component of marriage and enhances it. Outside of marriage there is no meaning and it can even be destructive.”
Since Gorelik is an Orthodox Jew, his religious rules dictate that a man may not touch a woman who is not his wife out of respect, even if it means not shaking hands. The same goes for women in the faith.
“The belief is that touching in a flippant sort of relationship is not respectful, and touching can lead to an inappropriate relationship,” Gorelik said. “People think it’s disrespectful when Orthodox Jews do not shake the hands of the opposite sex, when really the contrary is true – it would be wrong of me to treat a woman with disrespect.”
Although Gorelik’s standards may seem extreme to the average person, his beliefs have led him to a happy marriage and family.
“I don’t think a lack of boundaries does service to a man or woman. It’s demoralizing,” Gorelik said. “As a married man, I’m thrilled that my wife is exclusively for me, and abstinence until marriage made the relationship more special.”
A sexual relationship often has a deeper meaning and emotional value than most people are willing to admit.
“There’s no such thing as casual sex because emotions get involved and you can’t separate it out,” said Renee Madison, who is a professional relationship and couples counselor in Fort Collins. “From what I’ve seen, a lot of couples have to start over in developing a true emotional connection because they have [used] the physical relationship to try to get a connection, and sex does not solidify a relationship. It’s the emotional connection that needs to be there.”
Casey Reeves, a Fort Collins resident, she said she respects people who choose to practice sexual abstinence, but she considers sex a fun, trivial component in her relationships.
“I don’t think sex is that important,” Reeves said. “You don’t need it, but it’s enjoyable. For people who are staying abstinent, there are good and bad parts to it. They never have that worry of ‘I’m going to be a slut,’ but when they get older and they’re with one single person, there’s always the question of ‘what were the other people like?’”
Though Burt agrees that rushing into sex with the hope of establishing an emotional bond is unwise, he sees no problem with premarital sex, as long as couples communicate their intentions.
“I think defining [relationships] is healthy rather than assuming you’re in a committed relationship,” Burt said. “It used to be that you were either single, dating or married. Now, there are all kinds of other arrangements, like Friends With Benefits, which some people do successfully. It requires clear communication and balance.”
But Madison argues that premarital sex creates a “false intimacy” that deceives couples into thinking they are strongly attached, when the opposite may be true.
“[That is] putting sex in the wrong place – trying to make it do something it was never meant to do,” Madison said. “[The] fact is when they’re married, they’re going to want that closeness and that friendship and they’re not going to have it because sex has gotten in the way. Getting to know someone outside the physical realm is really important in developing a relationship.”
Burt acknowledges that he has dealt frequently with clients who have experienced this dilemma.
“I’ve seen couples that didn’t date enough before they were married, and years down the road still had a desire to see different people,” Burt said. “[They] didn’t ‘sow their oats’ before they were married. But then again, I see people who have had problems; I don’t see the people who are happy.”
Whether or not abstinence prior to marriage strengthens and sustains a relationship is debatable, but according to Burt it has its merits. Though Burt does not condemn premarital sex, in concordance with Madison he recognizes the benefits of holding off sexually.
“I actually think a certain amount of abstinence in a relationship could increase the sexual pleasure,” Burt said. “There’s nothing sexier than anticipation. It’s like unwrapping a present slowly and you discover one new thing at a time. The sexual desire, the sense of anticipation and the value that’s placed on it can increase. It’s more special, and when you finally get there, it’s mind blowing.”
